Well it's been a while since my last post. I have had a lot going on, many ideas, but just not enough time or energy to collect my thoughts long enough to sit and concentrate on writing, but hopefully that wont be the case for much longer. I guess I'm just pissed off right now and really need to vent, so here I am...
My last post was about my brother, and how I love him and all his misguided dealings that have lead him to be a jailbird. (I don't love the mishaps, just that was a topic in the post.) This one is pretty much again how much I love my brother and some more of his misguided happenings. I got some news yesterday from my paternal excuse (my dad) that has left me a little upset. My dad calls and is like "have you heard what your brother did today at the courthouse?"...well considering he is in jail and that he doesn't make the smartest choices in life my first thought was he tried to escape or something of the like. What happened in reality wasn't much better than my first thought.
"No dad, what did he do now?" was my first response. "He and (his girlfriend, who I will leave unnamed) got married" was my dad's reply. First shock and disbelief hit me...followed by nausea, a migraine and crying. Somehow or another this crackpot shame of a justice system we have let them get married while he is in jail. Something I think should not be allowed. Criminals are in jail as punishment, not to be tying the knot with their bad-influencing counterparts.
Now I know people are thinking I am harsh on him, and many other things, and probably that this is none of my business. But me being me, I cant sit here and say or feel nothing when I have been holding on to hope that he will come to some moment of enlightenment in there and he will change for the better upon his release. I pray everyday that he will see how bad she and other of his friends are for him and he will give up contact with them. (The eternal optimist that hides somewhere in me clings to this hope desperately.) But this news pretty much kicked that optimist in the groin and laughed in its face.
But none the less I make it my business. This is my little brother that I am talking about. My brother that I love dearly. That I pray for and hold onto hope for everyday that he is going to turn his life around, and become a successful person one day. This horrible news just pored salt into an already painful wound. I want desperately for my brother to have happiness and a family of his own one day. I think that would be great for him and maybe give him something to live for, wanna do right for. But I know that this girl is not going to help get him there.
For one I know he doesn't love her. I'm sure he has caring feelings for her, but love he does not. This is not an assumption, it is what he has told me and others on several occasions. Two, just a few weeks ago he was holding onto hope for reconciliation with an ex of his. So how does a person go to wanting to rekindle a past love to marring a totally different person out of the blue a few weeks later? Not my idea of romance.
Then there is the fact that she is a horrible influence on him. Not that he needs any influencing, but she doesn't help matters. It's kind of a 'blind leading the blind' situation. I don't want to sound like an over protective asshole. Like no one is good enough for my brother. That is not the case. He has had several exes that I liked very much and would much rather for things to have worked out with one of them than this girl. I just don't want my brother eventually getting out of jail and going right back to the situation, influences, and surroundings that got him to where he is now.
I just care too much. I don't want to see him on an ever present path of self destruction. I don't want him to lose his life to drugs and poor judgement. I want nothing but happiness and success for him. The sad truth is I know for a fact that there is going to be nothing but heartache in the end of this . I know I can't control his life. I know I can't make his decisions for him, that he has to make his own mistakes in life. God knows I have made enough of them myself, and I didn't listen to the people that tried to prevent me from such. But I can't just sit by and hold my tongue and watch this train wreck waiting to happen either.
None of us are perfect. I know I'm far from it, and I will continue to make mistakes and probably not always the wisest of choices. I also know that there are people that love me and want the best for me. People that no matter if its wanted or not, that they will give their opinions on things. That I probably should listen to them, but being a stubborn bullheaded person that I am, (I am a Pisces after all) that I will most likely make those mistakes and hopefully learn from them. The old parent to child saying "Do as I say, not as I do" is ringing in my head right now.
I just wish that for once he would do as I say and not as he wants to do or what I have done. I wasn't always the best influence on him either, and I do claim that. He used to be a pretty good kid. He was almost a completely different person than the one that he is now. I do have guilt there that I was a destructive influence as I once was, that I didn't play the best role model for him. I know that some of my faults and mishaps helped lead him astray. I guess my being the overprotective asshole I am now is my way of wanting to try and make up for that.
But here I sit, holding on to that hope that is struggling to break free. I got another call this morning from my dad that the courts told my brother that they are going to most likely tack more time on to his sentence for some other stuff that he did. I know this is going to make me sound like an even bigger bitch than is already thought by some, but maybe more time will prevent him from more destruction that will only happen if he is released sooner rather than later. That middle of the night phone call last February with my dad crying telling me that my brother has overdosed and gone into cardiac arrest was one of the least favorite things I've ever had to go through. Something I wouldn't wish anyone to have to endure. Something I don't want to have to go through again. Something I just hope can be prevented.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Missing My BroBro
Well here you go world, here is one of my more pitiful moments...i'm no stranger to them, or sharing them. I believe in being honest about your feelings. I am really missing my brother today. I'm not too sure why, i just woke up this morning really wanting him here so i can either pick or be picked at. Crazy, i know. But that is how we show our affection, by ball busting.
He is everything one can imagine in an annoying little brother, and i love him all the more for it. I think back to all the times when we were growing up and he embarrassed the hell out of me and wish he was here now so i can pay him back. Who am i kidding, he still embarrasses me now that we're adults. I remember when i was younger and would be on the phone and he would pick up the other line and eavesdrop or yell out stuff into the phone so i would have to hang up, go hunt him down, and beat the crap out of him.
All the times he would break into my room when i wasn't home, get on my computer and crash it with virus' from his internet porn viewing...then i would come home to find my room trashed with candy wrappers and spend hours cleaning it and the crap off my computer that he put on there! I probably shouldn't think back on that stuff with fond memories, but i do. Because the person he is today, is far from the person he once was. Yeah, he has always been a little shit head in my eyes, but he is my little shithead brother, and that is what little brothers are for.
The person he is today is one i don't really know anymore. The activities and things that he has been into for about the past five years had turned him into someone i hardly recognize, and for me that is really sad. I lost one of my best friends (partially) to drugs eight years ago, and oddly enough it was my brother that broke the news to me. That really messed me up for a long time and helped me spiral into a series of events that i'm still paying for to this day. I just do not want to lose my brother to the same bullshit that has taken away so many others.
I haven't seen him for several months right now because even though he is in the corrections system, he still cant seem to stay away from trouble. I guess i hold a lot of anger in me about him, he just cant seem to pull it together. I know he is his own person, and an adult one at that, but i don't hold him solely responsible. If our "excuses" had of been parents instead of what ever they were, and set better examples for us, i'm positive he would be in a far better situation. I just think God everyday that i did have other people there for me setting great examples.
Our parents were so bad at that job that i quite literally remember being a small kid thinking, "these idiots!" Almost any and everything that came from them was complete and utter BS! I am not even nearly exaggerating either. I used almost any reason i could to get away from them to either be with my grandma or my aunt. Without those two i'm sure i too would be up shits creek with out a paddle and a hole in my boat. The sad thing is, to this day they still can't grasp just how bad they were as parents. They still can not do what is right by their kids. Do you think they send him any money, HELL NO! Do you think they make appointments to see him? NOPE, they call me or my aunt or anyone who will pick up the jobs they should have been doing years ago.
I just wish there was some way i could get him out of the way of thinking that he picked up from our "excuses", and set foot on the right path in life. I'm not saying he needs to be perfect, that surely is unattainable by all, but i just want him to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and lead a virtuous life. i don't want to see him in and out of jail and prison, i don't want to get anymore predawn phone calls from my dad or someone crying that he is in the hospital again, overdosed and in cardiac arrest! i just want my little smart ass, wise cracking brother that i know is still in there somewhere back! I really don't think that is too much to ask...
So there you have it, my angry bitter bitch ranting for the day. I just have to vent sometimes, and this is my blog so i damn well feel free to do it on here. I hopefully will post something more lighthearted and not so bitchy soon, but its me, Uber Bitch so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes! LOL :P
He is everything one can imagine in an annoying little brother, and i love him all the more for it. I think back to all the times when we were growing up and he embarrassed the hell out of me and wish he was here now so i can pay him back. Who am i kidding, he still embarrasses me now that we're adults. I remember when i was younger and would be on the phone and he would pick up the other line and eavesdrop or yell out stuff into the phone so i would have to hang up, go hunt him down, and beat the crap out of him.
All the times he would break into my room when i wasn't home, get on my computer and crash it with virus' from his internet porn viewing...then i would come home to find my room trashed with candy wrappers and spend hours cleaning it and the crap off my computer that he put on there! I probably shouldn't think back on that stuff with fond memories, but i do. Because the person he is today, is far from the person he once was. Yeah, he has always been a little shit head in my eyes, but he is my little shithead brother, and that is what little brothers are for.
The person he is today is one i don't really know anymore. The activities and things that he has been into for about the past five years had turned him into someone i hardly recognize, and for me that is really sad. I lost one of my best friends (partially) to drugs eight years ago, and oddly enough it was my brother that broke the news to me. That really messed me up for a long time and helped me spiral into a series of events that i'm still paying for to this day. I just do not want to lose my brother to the same bullshit that has taken away so many others.
I haven't seen him for several months right now because even though he is in the corrections system, he still cant seem to stay away from trouble. I guess i hold a lot of anger in me about him, he just cant seem to pull it together. I know he is his own person, and an adult one at that, but i don't hold him solely responsible. If our "excuses" had of been parents instead of what ever they were, and set better examples for us, i'm positive he would be in a far better situation. I just think God everyday that i did have other people there for me setting great examples.
Our parents were so bad at that job that i quite literally remember being a small kid thinking, "these idiots!" Almost any and everything that came from them was complete and utter BS! I am not even nearly exaggerating either. I used almost any reason i could to get away from them to either be with my grandma or my aunt. Without those two i'm sure i too would be up shits creek with out a paddle and a hole in my boat. The sad thing is, to this day they still can't grasp just how bad they were as parents. They still can not do what is right by their kids. Do you think they send him any money, HELL NO! Do you think they make appointments to see him? NOPE, they call me or my aunt or anyone who will pick up the jobs they should have been doing years ago.
I just wish there was some way i could get him out of the way of thinking that he picked up from our "excuses", and set foot on the right path in life. I'm not saying he needs to be perfect, that surely is unattainable by all, but i just want him to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and lead a virtuous life. i don't want to see him in and out of jail and prison, i don't want to get anymore predawn phone calls from my dad or someone crying that he is in the hospital again, overdosed and in cardiac arrest! i just want my little smart ass, wise cracking brother that i know is still in there somewhere back! I really don't think that is too much to ask...
So there you have it, my angry bitter bitch ranting for the day. I just have to vent sometimes, and this is my blog so i damn well feel free to do it on here. I hopefully will post something more lighthearted and not so bitchy soon, but its me, Uber Bitch so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes! LOL :P
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Unfinished Business
"Unfinished Business" is usually a term people use when talking about ghosts. I'm not talking about ghost, but I definitely feel that I and others experience this feeling while alive. I don't know if its just this little slump I've been in or what, but for the last year and a half I feel like life is running away from me. Ever since my 25th birthday I think I've been having a "quarter life crisis", not quite a midlife crisis, at least I hope I'm not already in the middle of my life. But I have definitely felt like the things I wanted to accomplish at this point in my life are getting further and further from accomplishing with every passing day.
It's no fault of anyone but myself. There are things I've done and mistakes I've made that have caused these problems and feelings. If only time travel were a possibility, and if only I had of known then what I know now. Life is too full of "if onlys". I have friends that have said they feel the same way sometimes. I think most people would like a "do over" in life if they could have one. There are different causes for people getting this feeling, rather it be finishing something that was started, making amends with someone, letting your true feelings be known, not losing that lost love, accomplishing that dream that you let slip away, or whatever.
Different things can cause the feeling that there is something that was left unfinished. Whatever the thing or the cause, it is a pretty crappy feeling to have. I just hope that for me and for others that may have this foggy little sensation that we focus our attention and take the necessary steps to finish our business. Though it may not go the way we want and have the affects we've desired, at least it wont be a lingering cloud of what-if and if-only shading our thoughts and lives.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Influences and The Proud Mary...Keep Rolling On The River!
I have been paying a lot of attention lately to things I see my kids being influenced by. It brings up memories for me of my own childhood and adolescence and the people and things that influenced me, rather for the good or the bad. My son is going on five and wants to be and partially thinks he is a professional wrestler. I'm not too sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I know kids change what they "want to grow up and be" like all the time. In his short life he has already wanted to be a doctor, a farmer, and a superhero. So I'm pretty sure this too shall pass. But if not I tell him that if he does grow up and become a pro, make sure he introduces mommy to one of the hot-beef cakes he may work with...I kid, I kid!
My daughter, I'm not too sure what she want's to be. She has said she wants to be Princess Tiana, from The Princess and the Frog. Then at times she says she wants to grow up to be mommy. I just hope that whatever they decide to do with their lives that it is productive, successful, and helpful to others. I also hope they make their decisions based on the right reasons and not just because of how much money they can potentially make.
I remember back when I was a kid, the first person I remember wanting to be when I grew up was Tina Turner, minus the whole Ike kicking my ass part though. Yes, I was a small white child that wanted to grow up to be an African American woman! Lol. I would watch her concerts on TV and try my hardest to copy her signature dance. With time and countless viewings I did, if I must say so myself, become pretty good at that dance. Proud Mary!
I remember watching it so much so that my grandma became pretty sick of Tina. Haha. This may be sad to admit, but sometimes when I'm alone I turn on that song and boogie down all by myself. (God, I hope no one ever catches me doing this! I can only imagine how it looks from the outside looking in.) But anyhow, there is my sad little admission.
The second person I wanted to be when I grew up was Lucille Ball. I loved her then and I love her now. She is probably the funniest person in history to me. She didn't have to be crude or vulgar to get laughs, and that is probably why I love her so much. I've watched "I Love Lucy" reruns so much that I can recite a lot of episodes word for word. It is one show that no matter how old I get, they will never get old for me.
Then there were the other's I wanted to be when I grew up. They tended to change a lot more, the older that I became. For a while I wanted to be Madonna. Why, I don't know. Probably because to me she was such a free spirit and always pushed the limits. For a while I wanted to be a marine biologist, (my first non-celebrity career). Then I wanted to be a lawyer, that was until I found out how much school was involved. That ended that prospect real quick. I've never been one for structure. There was a time when I was in my later teen years that I wanted to join the Army or Air Force. Mostly to get the hell out of dodge, but those goals ended rather quickly too. I was trying to get away from structure only to realize I would be putting myself in more extreme rules.
I think I have settled on a few things now that I strive to be. I am a parent of two of the most wonderful children in the world. I strive to be the best mommy to them that I can possibly be. I also write a lot, on here and in other aspects. I'm working on a few stories now, and praying that the writer's block I experience from time to time permanently releases it's grip on me. Maybe one day, when I hopefully finish one of those stories I can be blessed enough to get published. (Fingers crossed). I've been writing since I was a kid, and have finished numerous stories. My friend Ashley has a lot of those old stories, and hopefully she doesn't use them as a form of blackmail one day! (Ashley, can we please burn those things?! Lmao).
I hope that my dreams come true for me and that my children's dreams come true for them. Whatever those dreams are and whatever paths they choose to follow in life. Whatever they (or you who is reading this) decide on in life to do, do it to the best of your ability and with more enthusiasm than has even been done before. Never let anyone tell you that you can't, because you can. The people that tell you "you can't" are usually the same people who haven't achieved what they've wanted to in life and don't want to see you or other's succeed where they've been unable to. "Never give up on your dreams, and they'll never give up on you."
My daughter, I'm not too sure what she want's to be. She has said she wants to be Princess Tiana, from The Princess and the Frog. Then at times she says she wants to grow up to be mommy. I just hope that whatever they decide to do with their lives that it is productive, successful, and helpful to others. I also hope they make their decisions based on the right reasons and not just because of how much money they can potentially make.
I remember back when I was a kid, the first person I remember wanting to be when I grew up was Tina Turner, minus the whole Ike kicking my ass part though. Yes, I was a small white child that wanted to grow up to be an African American woman! Lol. I would watch her concerts on TV and try my hardest to copy her signature dance. With time and countless viewings I did, if I must say so myself, become pretty good at that dance. Proud Mary!
I remember watching it so much so that my grandma became pretty sick of Tina. Haha. This may be sad to admit, but sometimes when I'm alone I turn on that song and boogie down all by myself. (God, I hope no one ever catches me doing this! I can only imagine how it looks from the outside looking in.) But anyhow, there is my sad little admission.
The second person I wanted to be when I grew up was Lucille Ball. I loved her then and I love her now. She is probably the funniest person in history to me. She didn't have to be crude or vulgar to get laughs, and that is probably why I love her so much. I've watched "I Love Lucy" reruns so much that I can recite a lot of episodes word for word. It is one show that no matter how old I get, they will never get old for me.
Then there were the other's I wanted to be when I grew up. They tended to change a lot more, the older that I became. For a while I wanted to be Madonna. Why, I don't know. Probably because to me she was such a free spirit and always pushed the limits. For a while I wanted to be a marine biologist, (my first non-celebrity career). Then I wanted to be a lawyer, that was until I found out how much school was involved. That ended that prospect real quick. I've never been one for structure. There was a time when I was in my later teen years that I wanted to join the Army or Air Force. Mostly to get the hell out of dodge, but those goals ended rather quickly too. I was trying to get away from structure only to realize I would be putting myself in more extreme rules.
I think I have settled on a few things now that I strive to be. I am a parent of two of the most wonderful children in the world. I strive to be the best mommy to them that I can possibly be. I also write a lot, on here and in other aspects. I'm working on a few stories now, and praying that the writer's block I experience from time to time permanently releases it's grip on me. Maybe one day, when I hopefully finish one of those stories I can be blessed enough to get published. (Fingers crossed). I've been writing since I was a kid, and have finished numerous stories. My friend Ashley has a lot of those old stories, and hopefully she doesn't use them as a form of blackmail one day! (Ashley, can we please burn those things?! Lmao).
I hope that my dreams come true for me and that my children's dreams come true for them. Whatever those dreams are and whatever paths they choose to follow in life. Whatever they (or you who is reading this) decide on in life to do, do it to the best of your ability and with more enthusiasm than has even been done before. Never let anyone tell you that you can't, because you can. The people that tell you "you can't" are usually the same people who haven't achieved what they've wanted to in life and don't want to see you or other's succeed where they've been unable to. "Never give up on your dreams, and they'll never give up on you."
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Three Musketeers
The Three Musketeers, not the movie or anything like that. I'm referring to myself and my two closest friends in the whole of the universe Ashley and Sarah. I've known Ashley since kindergarten and Sarah half my life since we were like 13. But I feel like they've always been around and couldn't really picture my life without them.
Though in recent years we've all had to go out into the world as individuals, and that hasn't left us nearly as much time to spend together as we once had. We probably used to look like conjoined triplets. Lol. But I think we still remain very close. I believe that no matter where life leads us, we'll all always have one another, and I personally feel great about that. It's always nice to have people in your life that have been a solid presence. It's kind of comforting.
We all three have distinct personalities, but still have a lot of similarities. Just like oil and water don't mix, but if you put them both in the same bottle, add some spice, and shake the hell out it them, they make a nice dressing. That's how I think of us three. I'm still just trying to figure out who is the oil, who is the water, and then who the spice is. Haha...I guess that is a whole other analogy.
Sarah and I both have children now, and we both also have a son and a daughter. Our sons are little buddies, and pretty close together in age. My daughter though is going on six, and her's just turned one. I've been trying my hardest to jinx Ashley into the world of parenting. I know that when that day does come she will make an excellent one. She is already a great big sister to her siblings and a wonderful aunt.
We jokingly compare ourselves to characters from various movies and shows. One being Steel Magnolias. Sarah is Clairee, Ashley Maylynn, and me, for whatever reason they've decided Ouiser, or as we here in the south pronounce it, Weazer! (I don't understand this, me with my sunny disposition that I'm so famous for...lmao) I like to think I'm more of a Truvy.
I know that I am a better person in life for having had these two wonderful people in my life. They are both open minded and caring people, and through the years have taught me things about myself and others. I honestly think that I would be for the worse off if I hadn't had such two great friends. I hope that everyone in their lifetime gets to have at least one friend as good as they have been to me. So I guess I'm double blessed for having them both.
Though in recent years we've all had to go out into the world as individuals, and that hasn't left us nearly as much time to spend together as we once had. We probably used to look like conjoined triplets. Lol. But I think we still remain very close. I believe that no matter where life leads us, we'll all always have one another, and I personally feel great about that. It's always nice to have people in your life that have been a solid presence. It's kind of comforting.
We all three have distinct personalities, but still have a lot of similarities. Just like oil and water don't mix, but if you put them both in the same bottle, add some spice, and shake the hell out it them, they make a nice dressing. That's how I think of us three. I'm still just trying to figure out who is the oil, who is the water, and then who the spice is. Haha...I guess that is a whole other analogy.
Sarah and I both have children now, and we both also have a son and a daughter. Our sons are little buddies, and pretty close together in age. My daughter though is going on six, and her's just turned one. I've been trying my hardest to jinx Ashley into the world of parenting. I know that when that day does come she will make an excellent one. She is already a great big sister to her siblings and a wonderful aunt.
We jokingly compare ourselves to characters from various movies and shows. One being Steel Magnolias. Sarah is Clairee, Ashley Maylynn, and me, for whatever reason they've decided Ouiser, or as we here in the south pronounce it, Weazer! (I don't understand this, me with my sunny disposition that I'm so famous for...lmao) I like to think I'm more of a Truvy.
I know that I am a better person in life for having had these two wonderful people in my life. They are both open minded and caring people, and through the years have taught me things about myself and others. I honestly think that I would be for the worse off if I hadn't had such two great friends. I hope that everyone in their lifetime gets to have at least one friend as good as they have been to me. So I guess I'm double blessed for having them both.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
If we weren't related...
Well this is only going to inflate his ego more, but it's what I feel inspired to write about today...so here we go. I'm going to tell you all a little bit about my cousin/best friend Daniel. Really he is more like a brother than cousin and a friend even more so than either one of those. We have our little "tiffs" as i call them, arguments to everyone else. Well, they aren't always so little, but they are mostly about stupid shit that we shouldn't even be arguing about anyway. We are a lot alike, but also very very different. We share a lot of the same old fashioned values and morals, but try to be open minded about stuff too. We rarely agree on politics, it's been a huge issue in quite a few of our feuds.
In my mind's eye Daniel is an extremely Conservative-Republican, I on the other hand am often at times a Liberal-Democrat. (Though I personally label myself as a Conservative-Liberal, not even sure that that is a real term. I guess other's would call me an Independent. I probably would too, anyone who knows me really knows that I tend to be an Independent thinker.) Anyhow, let me get back to "The Beast" (a nickname for Daniel), if he is reading this he is probably thinking the same thing..."Yes, lets get back to me!!!" Lol.
I believe that everyone, well everyone that actually uses the good sense God gave them comes to their belief system themselves through their life experiences. So being that no two individuals share exactly the same experiences with life, that no two people, no matter how close, are going to have the exact same thoughts, beliefs, politics, etc. Now Daniel and I came from the same eclectic family, but we think a lot different about certain things, but then again we agree on a lot too.
One thing that I think makes us so close is that we usually knows what the other's feelings or thoughts about something is. He knows when I'm full of shit, and I know when he is. Oh, I let him think that he is pulling the wool over my eyes at times...but no...Daniel, I'm used to smelling your brand of bull-shit! Haha, I can recognize it now when I smell it! (That's also the same thing I tell my brother and father when they think they're getting one past me too.) Like when we were kids, we would play card games all the time. (Our family is filled with gambling addicts, so we've picked up a game or two.) Daniel would always cheat me. He would even lure our Grandma in to helping him make up elaborate rules that always seemed to only benefit him! And she would go along with it. I don't look back on this as them doing something mean, Grandma loved to play jokes on people, but Daniel was a little crook!
Don't think I didn't get my own revenge though. I would absolutely torture him, his brother, and my little brother with my spoiled brat ways. When we where at Grandma's I usually got my way, so I was the one with "remote control control"...and I knew just how to make them squirm. I being a child of the MTV generation would watch shows like The Real World, Road Rules, Singled Out, and stuff like that...stuff they hated! They would run to Grandma and tell her to make me change it to something they wanted to watched, 9 times out of 10 she would in return tell them "She had the remote first, so leave her alone." HaHa! See where being a little crooked card shark gets you! :P
I would also torture them when it came to us having to go somewhere with Grandma, I always got the front seat. Not only over them, but adults too. My uncle would get so mad when Grandma would tell him that I was setting up front and she would put him in the back. There were times when people would get so mad at this that they would flat out refuse to go if they were going to have to sit back there. I should have let my elders have that seat, but nope, I was Grandma's girl and I wanted to always be right beside her. (Looking back I realize what a spiteful little brat I was.)
But the boys would get me back. They were at times little devil children. Our Grandma had an old outhouse down in the back of her yard. Well when I was a little girl I had amassed a huge collection of Barbie dolls. Every summer the boys would get a ton of fireworks and fire crackers, then they would gang up on me, distract me, and one would steal a Barbie or two. They would then run off, tie my dolls up in their illegal torture devices and call for me. I would go and see what they wanted only to find them back there at the outhouse, with my poor defenseless toy strung up like a hostage, lit up in firecrackers, then chucked down the shit hole, only to explode in a crappy mess. Now if that isn't sick and evil I don't know what is.
Well we're grown up now, and I'm hip to his little ways. He still will randomly make up these elaborate stories and tell them to me with such conviction, only for me to believe them and then him bust out laughing...deep down he is still a crook, he just has a new medium to torture me with. I try hard to recognize these webs of lies before I get to believing them, and before he gets the pleasure of luring me into them. You damn Beast! ;)
In the past few months, I've seen him mature more than at times in life I ever thought he would. Not that he is immature, he is overly mature sometimes for a guy of his age...just that he is taking steps and making commitments more so boldly than I thought was possible for him. And I must say I am very proud of him. Me telling someone my true feelings towards them is an extremely difficult thing for me to do. Now if I don't like you, that is one thing...I have no problem letting that be known. I figure that only does me a favor, if someone knows that I don't like them from the start them they usually avoid me and I don't have to feel bad for avoiding them. But telling people that I do love them and stuff like that is difficult.
But there you go. In trying to stay on a positive path through life, I'm opening up about my feelings towards life and the people in mine. I hope me telling the world that I think Daniel is a brilliant, charismatic young man doesn't blow his head up too much. If so, I'm sure I can find a way to bring him back down a few notches! But Daniel is truly one of my favorite people, one of my best friends, and foes. My favorite cousin. He listens to my bitching and tries to offer advice, though I'm not always so keen on taking it. I wish him a life of health and happiness, and for me the insight to recognize his bullshit before he feeds me too much of it!
In my mind's eye Daniel is an extremely Conservative-Republican, I on the other hand am often at times a Liberal-Democrat. (Though I personally label myself as a Conservative-Liberal, not even sure that that is a real term. I guess other's would call me an Independent. I probably would too, anyone who knows me really knows that I tend to be an Independent thinker.) Anyhow, let me get back to "The Beast" (a nickname for Daniel), if he is reading this he is probably thinking the same thing..."Yes, lets get back to me!!!" Lol.
I believe that everyone, well everyone that actually uses the good sense God gave them comes to their belief system themselves through their life experiences. So being that no two individuals share exactly the same experiences with life, that no two people, no matter how close, are going to have the exact same thoughts, beliefs, politics, etc. Now Daniel and I came from the same eclectic family, but we think a lot different about certain things, but then again we agree on a lot too.
One thing that I think makes us so close is that we usually knows what the other's feelings or thoughts about something is. He knows when I'm full of shit, and I know when he is. Oh, I let him think that he is pulling the wool over my eyes at times...but no...Daniel, I'm used to smelling your brand of bull-shit! Haha, I can recognize it now when I smell it! (That's also the same thing I tell my brother and father when they think they're getting one past me too.) Like when we were kids, we would play card games all the time. (Our family is filled with gambling addicts, so we've picked up a game or two.) Daniel would always cheat me. He would even lure our Grandma in to helping him make up elaborate rules that always seemed to only benefit him! And she would go along with it. I don't look back on this as them doing something mean, Grandma loved to play jokes on people, but Daniel was a little crook!
Don't think I didn't get my own revenge though. I would absolutely torture him, his brother, and my little brother with my spoiled brat ways. When we where at Grandma's I usually got my way, so I was the one with "remote control control"...and I knew just how to make them squirm. I being a child of the MTV generation would watch shows like The Real World, Road Rules, Singled Out, and stuff like that...stuff they hated! They would run to Grandma and tell her to make me change it to something they wanted to watched, 9 times out of 10 she would in return tell them "She had the remote first, so leave her alone." HaHa! See where being a little crooked card shark gets you! :P
I would also torture them when it came to us having to go somewhere with Grandma, I always got the front seat. Not only over them, but adults too. My uncle would get so mad when Grandma would tell him that I was setting up front and she would put him in the back. There were times when people would get so mad at this that they would flat out refuse to go if they were going to have to sit back there. I should have let my elders have that seat, but nope, I was Grandma's girl and I wanted to always be right beside her. (Looking back I realize what a spiteful little brat I was.)
But the boys would get me back. They were at times little devil children. Our Grandma had an old outhouse down in the back of her yard. Well when I was a little girl I had amassed a huge collection of Barbie dolls. Every summer the boys would get a ton of fireworks and fire crackers, then they would gang up on me, distract me, and one would steal a Barbie or two. They would then run off, tie my dolls up in their illegal torture devices and call for me. I would go and see what they wanted only to find them back there at the outhouse, with my poor defenseless toy strung up like a hostage, lit up in firecrackers, then chucked down the shit hole, only to explode in a crappy mess. Now if that isn't sick and evil I don't know what is.
Well we're grown up now, and I'm hip to his little ways. He still will randomly make up these elaborate stories and tell them to me with such conviction, only for me to believe them and then him bust out laughing...deep down he is still a crook, he just has a new medium to torture me with. I try hard to recognize these webs of lies before I get to believing them, and before he gets the pleasure of luring me into them. You damn Beast! ;)
In the past few months, I've seen him mature more than at times in life I ever thought he would. Not that he is immature, he is overly mature sometimes for a guy of his age...just that he is taking steps and making commitments more so boldly than I thought was possible for him. And I must say I am very proud of him. Me telling someone my true feelings towards them is an extremely difficult thing for me to do. Now if I don't like you, that is one thing...I have no problem letting that be known. I figure that only does me a favor, if someone knows that I don't like them from the start them they usually avoid me and I don't have to feel bad for avoiding them. But telling people that I do love them and stuff like that is difficult.
But there you go. In trying to stay on a positive path through life, I'm opening up about my feelings towards life and the people in mine. I hope me telling the world that I think Daniel is a brilliant, charismatic young man doesn't blow his head up too much. If so, I'm sure I can find a way to bring him back down a few notches! But Daniel is truly one of my favorite people, one of my best friends, and foes. My favorite cousin. He listens to my bitching and tries to offer advice, though I'm not always so keen on taking it. I wish him a life of health and happiness, and for me the insight to recognize his bullshit before he feeds me too much of it!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
What Mother's Have Meant The Most To Me...
Today isn't Mother's Day, but I'm writing this today because this is when I actually have the time to sit and do it...and that is limited. I just want to take a minute and share my feelings on a couple of women that have been in my life that have mattered the most and helped mold me into the person I am.
First off I want to say that the person who has meant and mattered the most to me in life, mother or not, out of anyone (besides my own children) is my dear little grandma "Totsie" who is somewhere around here in her now Heavenly spirit. I say somewhere around here because I feel her with me all the time. I'm not saying I have a 6th sense (but maybe so) or that I communicate with the afterlife, but I just know her spirit is around me and those who she loves. She was one little feisty protective woman on Earth, so I know she is still keeping her guard on us now.
She out of every adult figure in my life has been of the most significance. Ever since I can remember I was at what sometimes probably did seem like her shadow or conjoined twin. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And the one person on this Earth that I have ever completely and truly felt loved by. (Thats kinda sad to say, or rather type out loud...lol) That is honestly how i feel though. Not that I don't feel love in my life, I do. I just know in my heart that she loved me as much as one person can love another, unconditionally. She knew my flaws and still she was there.
There were times in life as I got to be a teenager and even into an adult that we would have our arguments, disagreements, and spats, but we always loved one another no matter what. And usually those moments were bought about because one didn't want to see the other get hurt, or used, or something to that nature and caused worry. She was my very best friend. I would tell her something and before she would have a response i knew what she was going to say...in her own little rowdy way that she was so good at.
She would never mind what others thought of her, if she was feeling something you better believe that she was going to let you know and let you know "Totsie Style". I guess she felt the same way I feel, God gives us free will so we better use it for what it was intended. She was a little firecracker of a woman. I only hope that I can be half the person that she was. I know I'll never forget her, or the pain that i feel now everyday not having her here in the flesh to talk to, laugh with, cry with, make jokes with, go to bingo with, or just know that I can pick up my phone and have her voice right there on the other end.
There are still days, almost 4 months since her passing that I'll think of something and go to pick my phone up to call her, only to be slapped back into reality at the cold lonely truth that she isn't here to take the call. I know where she is at that she know's I love her desperately and that she is missed dearly, not just by me but by many. I love you Grandma, always and forever!
Though Grandma has been the most important person in my life, she hasn't been the only one. There is my Aunt Hilda and my daughter Aaliyah among some of them. (Though my daughter isn't a mother yet, one day in the far term I hope that she knows what a blessing and honor it is to become one.) My aunt on the other hand has also been like a second mother to me. (Totsie being the first, because my birth mother was just that, a birth mother...the rest of it stopped there.)
My aunt has been in my memories about as long as I can remember. I remember long car rides when I was little, with Grandma of course, me riding shot gun beside her to see my aunt. Grandma would sit me on phone books so i could see over the dash board. (This was the late 80's so I guess child/car safety laws weren't what they are today...and if so Grandma probably would've let me have my way anyhow.) Haha.
I always loved going to my aunts. I usually got something in my spoiled brat fashion so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. Plus it got me with Grandma and out of my house with my brother and parents, which I was all to eager to flee from. As I got older and my parents even became much less worthy of that title, she was there more and more for me. But by that time I had pretty much been ruined with a bad attitude by lack of parenting that made me a pain to deal with. But she was still there, trying to straighten out what she could of me. There were times when her ideas and mine didn't mixe and felt about as well as rubbing salt & sand into an open wound.
But I love her and appreciate her more than she knows. (This is characteristic of me, I have a hard time letting other's know how much I love them. But I am trying to change that.) I am glad to say that as I've matured we get along much better. I know I would be far from the person I am today if it weren't for her. She made me care about other's and myself, from where at a point there wasn't anything that I really gave two cents about. So if she so happens to read this blog, maybe she'll know that yes, though I am bullheaded as hell and go against the grain of what she thinks is best at times, that I do love and appreciate her very very much and always will!
Now we come to my baby girl, one of my two pride and joys. (The other my son.) She is 6 years old and one of the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, usually the main reason because she stands there at the crack of dawn wanting her breakfast that has to be consumed immediately upon awakening. At least thats how she feels about it and has no problem letting you know. She actually has no problem letting anyone at any time know how she is feeling or what she is thinking. She reminds me so much of my Grandma at time that its scary. I call her "Little Totsie" when she is having one of her moments that remind me of Grandma.
She is spoiled and tries to be bossy. She has more luck with that with her father than me. She truly is a daddy's little girl, she completely has him and her pawpaw and grandma when she was here, wrapped tightly around her little finger. In that aspect she reminds me of me too in all my spoiled rotten glory. I try to give her the childhood and things I never had. I just hope that she goes on to be everything she dreams of. I know that I will love her unconditionally no matter what though, she is perfect to me as perfect can get. ( I feel the same about my son also, as to which I'm sure any proud loving parent feels about their child.)
There are other women and mother's who've been in my life and have made an influence on me in one way or another, but I have not the time at this moment to think them all and need to compose a list to do so as to not to leave anyone out...but these 2 women and 1 little woman have been the ones that have had the most influence to me. I want to thank everyone though, because I know that everyone who comes and goes or comes and stays in our lives, no matter the good or the bad, they were bought there for a reason. I just want to come into as many lives for the good as possible, and I hope I can do so for a long long time.
First off I want to say that the person who has meant and mattered the most to me in life, mother or not, out of anyone (besides my own children) is my dear little grandma "Totsie" who is somewhere around here in her now Heavenly spirit. I say somewhere around here because I feel her with me all the time. I'm not saying I have a 6th sense (but maybe so) or that I communicate with the afterlife, but I just know her spirit is around me and those who she loves. She was one little feisty protective woman on Earth, so I know she is still keeping her guard on us now.
She out of every adult figure in my life has been of the most significance. Ever since I can remember I was at what sometimes probably did seem like her shadow or conjoined twin. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And the one person on this Earth that I have ever completely and truly felt loved by. (Thats kinda sad to say, or rather type out loud...lol) That is honestly how i feel though. Not that I don't feel love in my life, I do. I just know in my heart that she loved me as much as one person can love another, unconditionally. She knew my flaws and still she was there.
There were times in life as I got to be a teenager and even into an adult that we would have our arguments, disagreements, and spats, but we always loved one another no matter what. And usually those moments were bought about because one didn't want to see the other get hurt, or used, or something to that nature and caused worry. She was my very best friend. I would tell her something and before she would have a response i knew what she was going to say...in her own little rowdy way that she was so good at.
She would never mind what others thought of her, if she was feeling something you better believe that she was going to let you know and let you know "Totsie Style". I guess she felt the same way I feel, God gives us free will so we better use it for what it was intended. She was a little firecracker of a woman. I only hope that I can be half the person that she was. I know I'll never forget her, or the pain that i feel now everyday not having her here in the flesh to talk to, laugh with, cry with, make jokes with, go to bingo with, or just know that I can pick up my phone and have her voice right there on the other end.
There are still days, almost 4 months since her passing that I'll think of something and go to pick my phone up to call her, only to be slapped back into reality at the cold lonely truth that she isn't here to take the call. I know where she is at that she know's I love her desperately and that she is missed dearly, not just by me but by many. I love you Grandma, always and forever!
Though Grandma has been the most important person in my life, she hasn't been the only one. There is my Aunt Hilda and my daughter Aaliyah among some of them. (Though my daughter isn't a mother yet, one day in the far term I hope that she knows what a blessing and honor it is to become one.) My aunt on the other hand has also been like a second mother to me. (Totsie being the first, because my birth mother was just that, a birth mother...the rest of it stopped there.)
My aunt has been in my memories about as long as I can remember. I remember long car rides when I was little, with Grandma of course, me riding shot gun beside her to see my aunt. Grandma would sit me on phone books so i could see over the dash board. (This was the late 80's so I guess child/car safety laws weren't what they are today...and if so Grandma probably would've let me have my way anyhow.) Haha.
I always loved going to my aunts. I usually got something in my spoiled brat fashion so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. Plus it got me with Grandma and out of my house with my brother and parents, which I was all to eager to flee from. As I got older and my parents even became much less worthy of that title, she was there more and more for me. But by that time I had pretty much been ruined with a bad attitude by lack of parenting that made me a pain to deal with. But she was still there, trying to straighten out what she could of me. There were times when her ideas and mine didn't mixe and felt about as well as rubbing salt & sand into an open wound.
But I love her and appreciate her more than she knows. (This is characteristic of me, I have a hard time letting other's know how much I love them. But I am trying to change that.) I am glad to say that as I've matured we get along much better. I know I would be far from the person I am today if it weren't for her. She made me care about other's and myself, from where at a point there wasn't anything that I really gave two cents about. So if she so happens to read this blog, maybe she'll know that yes, though I am bullheaded as hell and go against the grain of what she thinks is best at times, that I do love and appreciate her very very much and always will!
Now we come to my baby girl, one of my two pride and joys. (The other my son.) She is 6 years old and one of the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, usually the main reason because she stands there at the crack of dawn wanting her breakfast that has to be consumed immediately upon awakening. At least thats how she feels about it and has no problem letting you know. She actually has no problem letting anyone at any time know how she is feeling or what she is thinking. She reminds me so much of my Grandma at time that its scary. I call her "Little Totsie" when she is having one of her moments that remind me of Grandma.
She is spoiled and tries to be bossy. She has more luck with that with her father than me. She truly is a daddy's little girl, she completely has him and her pawpaw and grandma when she was here, wrapped tightly around her little finger. In that aspect she reminds me of me too in all my spoiled rotten glory. I try to give her the childhood and things I never had. I just hope that she goes on to be everything she dreams of. I know that I will love her unconditionally no matter what though, she is perfect to me as perfect can get. ( I feel the same about my son also, as to which I'm sure any proud loving parent feels about their child.)
There are other women and mother's who've been in my life and have made an influence on me in one way or another, but I have not the time at this moment to think them all and need to compose a list to do so as to not to leave anyone out...but these 2 women and 1 little woman have been the ones that have had the most influence to me. I want to thank everyone though, because I know that everyone who comes and goes or comes and stays in our lives, no matter the good or the bad, they were bought there for a reason. I just want to come into as many lives for the good as possible, and I hope I can do so for a long long time.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Addict's Compassionate Sister Advocate
I'm not too sure what to title this entry, but I just felt inspired to write so here I am. I just left from a visitation with my little brother in the county jail. Not the ideal use of my Sunday afternoon, but it's something I actually look forward to doing lately. Considering for the last two years I've had extremely limited contact with my brother due to his not so legal and wise endeavors and stupidly lavish use of various drugs. Not to mention is nearly fatal overdose that caused him to stop breathing and go into cardiac arrest! But sometimes God has to use extreme measures to get our attention and refocus them back to the path that He has intended for us.
What has got me thinking today was how to most people I'm sure they think I'm stupid for feeling so bad for him, because after all he did get himself into the situation. But I believe the issues that help provoke his behavior run more deep than things that are purely caused on his behalf. Addiction is a disease. A form of mental and physical illness that typically by most people whom have never been personally affected by it is often highly misunderstood. (A scapegoat for their illegal activities.) Depression is often and i'm pretty sure one of the major factors into addictive personalities. And depression is often caused by things that happened in a person's adolescence.
Therefore, by my homespun psychological input, and knowing my brother for his entire life and the situation into which/how we were brought up I know that he is suffering first and foremost from depression, which has caused him to develop an addictive personality as an attention seeking/coping mechanism, which in turn has gotten him into a lot of shit over the years and to where he is now residing under 24 supervision and without our precious freedom. That only naturally will cause any person to become even more unhappy with life and more depressed.
I just wish there was some sort of magic cure or something that would help my brother and so many others of have addictions. I guess that is just me being the dreamer that I am, but I pray that I never give up hope on him and that he never gives it up on himself. I try to put myself in his shoes, and when I do I realize how lonely of a road he has had to travel. I still see him as a kid. Just wanting to have a normal life, with parents that gave a fu*k about doing their parental job, and having hope that one day life just might be alright. I see he is a hurt little boy, just trying to erase the unpleasantness that has at times smudged the idealogical picture of life. But, in turn smearing it with the same ugly hues that were inherited from his ancestors.
I look back over the years at friends I have lost to their various flaws of addiction, and who are either dead or in prison/jail. People that I wish now I wouldn't have cared if I were going to piss them off by saying they maybe need to get help, or slow down on their use. I wish now that I had gotten clean sooner from the chemicals and toxins that I was polluting my body and mind with. Maybe I could have been stronger and helped them save themselves. But wishing on a star hasn't gotten me anywhere yet. I feel so guilty sometimes for not being able to help my brother stop, or for not being there for him when he is using. It's the same guilt I feel for walking away from a friend who was using and not being there to maybe talk him out of killing himself. I just hope that I have gotten to my brother in time.
He is and will always be my little brother, and though a lot of the time we fight like cats and dogs, I love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world. We didnt always grow up together and more often than not, on any given thing we don't agree or share even remotely the same opinion. But he has been there for me when I've needed someone, and I know that he is a good person in his heart, though his judgement and views are at times clouded with a drug haze. I have hope that with compassion, understanding, and love he can reclaim his better self, his relationship with God, and have a happy and healthy future.
What has got me thinking today was how to most people I'm sure they think I'm stupid for feeling so bad for him, because after all he did get himself into the situation. But I believe the issues that help provoke his behavior run more deep than things that are purely caused on his behalf. Addiction is a disease. A form of mental and physical illness that typically by most people whom have never been personally affected by it is often highly misunderstood. (A scapegoat for their illegal activities.) Depression is often and i'm pretty sure one of the major factors into addictive personalities. And depression is often caused by things that happened in a person's adolescence.
Therefore, by my homespun psychological input, and knowing my brother for his entire life and the situation into which/how we were brought up I know that he is suffering first and foremost from depression, which has caused him to develop an addictive personality as an attention seeking/coping mechanism, which in turn has gotten him into a lot of shit over the years and to where he is now residing under 24 supervision and without our precious freedom. That only naturally will cause any person to become even more unhappy with life and more depressed.
I just wish there was some sort of magic cure or something that would help my brother and so many others of have addictions. I guess that is just me being the dreamer that I am, but I pray that I never give up hope on him and that he never gives it up on himself. I try to put myself in his shoes, and when I do I realize how lonely of a road he has had to travel. I still see him as a kid. Just wanting to have a normal life, with parents that gave a fu*k about doing their parental job, and having hope that one day life just might be alright. I see he is a hurt little boy, just trying to erase the unpleasantness that has at times smudged the idealogical picture of life. But, in turn smearing it with the same ugly hues that were inherited from his ancestors.
I look back over the years at friends I have lost to their various flaws of addiction, and who are either dead or in prison/jail. People that I wish now I wouldn't have cared if I were going to piss them off by saying they maybe need to get help, or slow down on their use. I wish now that I had gotten clean sooner from the chemicals and toxins that I was polluting my body and mind with. Maybe I could have been stronger and helped them save themselves. But wishing on a star hasn't gotten me anywhere yet. I feel so guilty sometimes for not being able to help my brother stop, or for not being there for him when he is using. It's the same guilt I feel for walking away from a friend who was using and not being there to maybe talk him out of killing himself. I just hope that I have gotten to my brother in time.
He is and will always be my little brother, and though a lot of the time we fight like cats and dogs, I love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world. We didnt always grow up together and more often than not, on any given thing we don't agree or share even remotely the same opinion. But he has been there for me when I've needed someone, and I know that he is a good person in his heart, though his judgement and views are at times clouded with a drug haze. I have hope that with compassion, understanding, and love he can reclaim his better self, his relationship with God, and have a happy and healthy future.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Excuses Excuses
Well well well...This Saturday, (the 26th) I will be turning 26. I wonder if by chance or some kind of folk legend I've heard that having my age and birth date coincide means something on another level...who knows. Anyway, I haven't "blogged" in a while. Mainly because I haven't really had anything that I wanted to say and really not much motivation either. With the day to day stress of life in general and the crazy stress that members of my family love to heave on my shoulders constantly I just don't feel like doing much of anything.
But how things change with one phone call from either one of the "Excuses" that i was dealt as parents. Last week my little brother overdosed on drugs, got put in the ICU, then got carted off to jail for a probation violation. But do you think that would make either one of them (the excuses) step up to the plate to try to help handle this what seems like a never ending cycle?...NO! It's just something else they keep calling me about to handle, because God forbid either one of them would have to do something that isn't purely self beneficial.
I have two beautiful wonderful children of my own that I am trying to raise the best I can. Though I have an incredible amount of empathy for my brother and a huge amount of understanding for the way he feels about stuff, handle situations, and his general view of things in life, I just cant always be "my brother's keeper". It would have been so nice to have a nice "normal" childhood. With nice "normal" parents, but again I nor my brother has been that lucky. We got stuck in a bad situation from the start with two people for parents that should have never ever been given the chance to procreate.
Two of the most self involved, worthless, careless, under-motivated, useless individuals I have ever encountered! Yes, I know they loved us in their own understated and seldom shown fashions, but they have overly loved themselves more. They never thought about our futures or the effects their lack of concern and parenting would have on us. And to this day when they are told about themselves and put in their places, they act like the things that they did and we know full well are fact are some sort of imagined scenarios that we have created or fabricated. Basically they both are full of shit and that is putting it mildly.
Yes, i realize how angry and bitter this sounds. And yes, I can at times be angry and bitter about this stuff. It does me no good bottling it up all the time and the stress/anger gets to be too much, so this is my way of venting and getting things off my chest. Lord knows it does absolutely no good to talk to them about things, because they'll just block me out. So needless to say i'm wasting my breath.
What kicked off this little spurt today is this; my brother has a court hearing today, neither one of the "excuses" works, but both call me first thing in the morning when they know i am at home with both my children (school cancellation due to weather) actually being a parent, when they call and want me to go to court to see what happens to my brother because neither one of them can be inconvenienced to do anything for anyone even themselves most of the time...like getting a job! Yes, it's that bad. Actual work would just be too overwhelming and detrimental to their conquest of complete and total useless/worthlessness!
I know the reason my brother is the way he is because he never had role models that where actually worth looking up to. And we never really had parental figures for that matter either. Our whole childhood was one mess after another caused by our "excuses", but cleaned up by everyone but them. I know he has to be depressed with the lot he was given in life, i know i have had a few bouts myself due to the same thing. But thank God for the most part i have gotten over it the best i can. (Though things like this tend to bring out the bitterness and piss me off.)
I just pray that my brother realizes that no matter what, he cant change the past, but he can most certainly correct his future. Just because our excuses follow a crooked road, we don't have to. We can ask God to step in and shine his light on us and help us on the straight and narrow road that He has intended for His children. I hope we both find the peace in life that we have always craved. Not only do i want that for us, but really for everyone. Everyone deserves to be loved and have peace in life. And, even though i know its kind of a waste of time and energy i pray that one day our "excuses" can find the same thing in life and realize that there are more important things in life besides one's self!
So maybe by some small chance or on some supernatural level my birth and age coinciding might be the turning of tides in my life. Who knows, crazier things have happened. Maybe i will get lucky and be able to put all this unrest i feel for these two individuals aside. Or maybe they will for once do what they are supposed to do, get a grip on reality, and do something for someone besides themselves! I know that is asking a whole hell of a lot, but its my birthday and i'll wish for what i want to!
But how things change with one phone call from either one of the "Excuses" that i was dealt as parents. Last week my little brother overdosed on drugs, got put in the ICU, then got carted off to jail for a probation violation. But do you think that would make either one of them (the excuses) step up to the plate to try to help handle this what seems like a never ending cycle?...NO! It's just something else they keep calling me about to handle, because God forbid either one of them would have to do something that isn't purely self beneficial.
I have two beautiful wonderful children of my own that I am trying to raise the best I can. Though I have an incredible amount of empathy for my brother and a huge amount of understanding for the way he feels about stuff, handle situations, and his general view of things in life, I just cant always be "my brother's keeper". It would have been so nice to have a nice "normal" childhood. With nice "normal" parents, but again I nor my brother has been that lucky. We got stuck in a bad situation from the start with two people for parents that should have never ever been given the chance to procreate.
Two of the most self involved, worthless, careless, under-motivated, useless individuals I have ever encountered! Yes, I know they loved us in their own understated and seldom shown fashions, but they have overly loved themselves more. They never thought about our futures or the effects their lack of concern and parenting would have on us. And to this day when they are told about themselves and put in their places, they act like the things that they did and we know full well are fact are some sort of imagined scenarios that we have created or fabricated. Basically they both are full of shit and that is putting it mildly.
Yes, i realize how angry and bitter this sounds. And yes, I can at times be angry and bitter about this stuff. It does me no good bottling it up all the time and the stress/anger gets to be too much, so this is my way of venting and getting things off my chest. Lord knows it does absolutely no good to talk to them about things, because they'll just block me out. So needless to say i'm wasting my breath.
What kicked off this little spurt today is this; my brother has a court hearing today, neither one of the "excuses" works, but both call me first thing in the morning when they know i am at home with both my children (school cancellation due to weather) actually being a parent, when they call and want me to go to court to see what happens to my brother because neither one of them can be inconvenienced to do anything for anyone even themselves most of the time...like getting a job! Yes, it's that bad. Actual work would just be too overwhelming and detrimental to their conquest of complete and total useless/worthlessness!
I know the reason my brother is the way he is because he never had role models that where actually worth looking up to. And we never really had parental figures for that matter either. Our whole childhood was one mess after another caused by our "excuses", but cleaned up by everyone but them. I know he has to be depressed with the lot he was given in life, i know i have had a few bouts myself due to the same thing. But thank God for the most part i have gotten over it the best i can. (Though things like this tend to bring out the bitterness and piss me off.)
I just pray that my brother realizes that no matter what, he cant change the past, but he can most certainly correct his future. Just because our excuses follow a crooked road, we don't have to. We can ask God to step in and shine his light on us and help us on the straight and narrow road that He has intended for His children. I hope we both find the peace in life that we have always craved. Not only do i want that for us, but really for everyone. Everyone deserves to be loved and have peace in life. And, even though i know its kind of a waste of time and energy i pray that one day our "excuses" can find the same thing in life and realize that there are more important things in life besides one's self!
So maybe by some small chance or on some supernatural level my birth and age coinciding might be the turning of tides in my life. Who knows, crazier things have happened. Maybe i will get lucky and be able to put all this unrest i feel for these two individuals aside. Or maybe they will for once do what they are supposed to do, get a grip on reality, and do something for someone besides themselves! I know that is asking a whole hell of a lot, but its my birthday and i'll wish for what i want to!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Lord Is My Shepherd
There was a time in my life, that like only a fool can do, I turned my back on God and His love. I ignored all the messages that various people tried to convey to me. I thought, like so many adolescents do, that I knew it all. That what people were saying to me were just ill attempts at trying to control my at often times uncontrollable behavior. That they were just trying to influence my actions and thoughts with religious rhetoric.
"Fools think they need no advice, but the wise listen to others." -Proverbs 12:15
Then my life turned to folly and chaos. There was no foundation on for which i could stand. There seemed to be no light in the sky to which i could help guide my way down life's path. I dropped out of school, turned to numerous drugs to help fill the void and numb the pain. I did lots of things that any sensible person would not even think to do. Without God protecting me and flooding my body with His love, the devil took hold of me and used his tools to start destroying me.
"God rescues the godly from danger, but he lets the wicked fall into trouble." -Proverbs 11:8
In 2003, after years of nonsense and foolery plaguing my life, I prayed for forgiveness and asked God to once again shine his light on me and help me out of the pit of darkness and evil that i had dug myself into. And guess what? He heard my prayers and threw down his golden rope and pulled me to safety. Now, by no means am i saying that I am perfect...far from it. I'm not saying that everything I do is just and righteous. I just know that I must give credit to God for all things good in life, know that He is the one in control and I am just a vessel of His divine will.
I know that the Lord gives and He takes away, but He will never put more weight on the shoulders of His children than they can stand to bare. I myself and people I love at this very moment are going through a very difficult time. We have recently lost one of the most important and influential people in our lives to cancer. Though this time of sorrow and grief can not be avoided. There has to be a way to help ease the pain. By knowing that the people we've loved and lost are with God in his Heavenly home. That there is no such thing to them anymore as pain and suffering. That they are enjoying blessings that we here on Earth can't even begin to imagine. They are with us in spirit, though not in the flesh.
Their memories are ever present and never forgotten. Things in our daily lives will remind us of them, bring back those times joy and love that will never be erased. We can honor their memories and carry on God's message of Love by doing things that the Lord will favor. Through our love of God we will one day be reunited with them for eternity when we too enter through the gates of Heaven. We will be washed of our Earthly trespasses and sins, and the light of God will shine on us and envelope us with his warmth and love.
Through these hard times, when there seems like there is nothing we can be thankful for. That there may seem like there is no light in the day and nothing worth living for. Know that that is not the case and cast those doubtful thoughts aside. I think when someone passes that has done good with their life and has loved God, it is a blessing that God is bestowing. He is taking them out of all the pain and sufferings that plague our Earthly lives. Though we may not have our loved ones in the flesh, they are forever with us in the spirit. Like God, they are with us everyday and in everything we do. We are the ones that are suffering here in this time of test and trial of our faith.
But who among us is going to pass that test? Do things in everyday life and in every instant possible that is one day going to reunite us with God and our loved ones. Things that are only going to bring us closer to His undying love. Shine his light on others in the things we say to one another. Pray that everyone will find in their hearts only the love that He can provide. Do things that are going to make our passed on brother and sisters, mothers and fathers, and friends proud of us. Let them rejoice in the golden streets of heaven with laughter and dance at the good things we say to one another, the things we do, and the strength and love that we share with our other Earthly brothers and sisters, until it is our day to join them. Just remember, Through God, all things are possible.
"Fools think they need no advice, but the wise listen to others." -Proverbs 12:15
Then my life turned to folly and chaos. There was no foundation on for which i could stand. There seemed to be no light in the sky to which i could help guide my way down life's path. I dropped out of school, turned to numerous drugs to help fill the void and numb the pain. I did lots of things that any sensible person would not even think to do. Without God protecting me and flooding my body with His love, the devil took hold of me and used his tools to start destroying me.
"God rescues the godly from danger, but he lets the wicked fall into trouble." -Proverbs 11:8
In 2003, after years of nonsense and foolery plaguing my life, I prayed for forgiveness and asked God to once again shine his light on me and help me out of the pit of darkness and evil that i had dug myself into. And guess what? He heard my prayers and threw down his golden rope and pulled me to safety. Now, by no means am i saying that I am perfect...far from it. I'm not saying that everything I do is just and righteous. I just know that I must give credit to God for all things good in life, know that He is the one in control and I am just a vessel of His divine will.
I know that the Lord gives and He takes away, but He will never put more weight on the shoulders of His children than they can stand to bare. I myself and people I love at this very moment are going through a very difficult time. We have recently lost one of the most important and influential people in our lives to cancer. Though this time of sorrow and grief can not be avoided. There has to be a way to help ease the pain. By knowing that the people we've loved and lost are with God in his Heavenly home. That there is no such thing to them anymore as pain and suffering. That they are enjoying blessings that we here on Earth can't even begin to imagine. They are with us in spirit, though not in the flesh.
Their memories are ever present and never forgotten. Things in our daily lives will remind us of them, bring back those times joy and love that will never be erased. We can honor their memories and carry on God's message of Love by doing things that the Lord will favor. Through our love of God we will one day be reunited with them for eternity when we too enter through the gates of Heaven. We will be washed of our Earthly trespasses and sins, and the light of God will shine on us and envelope us with his warmth and love.
Through these hard times, when there seems like there is nothing we can be thankful for. That there may seem like there is no light in the day and nothing worth living for. Know that that is not the case and cast those doubtful thoughts aside. I think when someone passes that has done good with their life and has loved God, it is a blessing that God is bestowing. He is taking them out of all the pain and sufferings that plague our Earthly lives. Though we may not have our loved ones in the flesh, they are forever with us in the spirit. Like God, they are with us everyday and in everything we do. We are the ones that are suffering here in this time of test and trial of our faith.
But who among us is going to pass that test? Do things in everyday life and in every instant possible that is one day going to reunite us with God and our loved ones. Things that are only going to bring us closer to His undying love. Shine his light on others in the things we say to one another. Pray that everyone will find in their hearts only the love that He can provide. Do things that are going to make our passed on brother and sisters, mothers and fathers, and friends proud of us. Let them rejoice in the golden streets of heaven with laughter and dance at the good things we say to one another, the things we do, and the strength and love that we share with our other Earthly brothers and sisters, until it is our day to join them. Just remember, Through God, all things are possible.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
At A Loss
You know, sometimes life just cant help but to kick you when your down...Over the last few months i have been in a semi-depressive state with the ever looming subject of loosing a loved one. So its almost needless to say that when seemingly tiny matters come up, its just more weight and pressure being added to the pile and i'm just standing there watching, helpless, waiting for its inevitable collapse.
As some of you may know, my daughter is Autistic. Not so severe as many children in her situation are. She is actually on the rather mild side of the varying degrees of the scale. Which i cant even begin to tell you how happy i am that its not worse than it is. Thank you God! I really and truly have so much empathy for these children and their families. Things that we normally take for granted everyday are in some cases almost unattainable goals that these children work for and strive for everyday.
Why do I bring this topic up today? Well, my daughter who is one of the sweetest most loving children that i have even encountered has been having a rather drastic change of temperament lately. She has taken on the very unacceptable behavior of name calling, acting out in class and at home, and just plain bad attitudes. I and her teachers are at a loss of where this is coming from.
Now if you know me or read my blog from time to time, you know i am a very strong believer in Karma. So i wonder if this is Karma coming back to haunt me for some previous mean act that i have done. If so, tsk tsk Karma, you don't have to involve innocent children that already are striving to do their very best to overcome already extreme obstacles! But until fate or Karma or whatever decides that we've had enough and releases it sometimes hateful grasp i will continue to pray for the best, ask forgiveness for whatever prior trespass that has caused this new hurtle in life, and ride the wave of unpleasantness to the shore.
Anyway, i have contacted her specialist several times, and have yet to be contacted back by an actual human to maybe, just maybe get some helpful suggestions as to how to handle the situation until they can see her. (i did receive a letter of a next appointment, a month away). But with many messages left, and my telephone my ever present companion, i have yet to see that they have the smallest amount of common courtesy or concern for one of their patients well being to make a return call. I do understand that they are busy, being the best in their field in the state, but two weeks and numerous call have passed and still...nothing!
I'm absolutely positive though if the shoe were on the other foot and oh, lets say i refused to make a payment or something that they would most definitely be able to reach me to see when payment for services rendered are going to be made. If the all mighty dollar is in the picture, things usually have a way of working themselves out faster. The question that I've been asked is why i don't take her to another doctor. Well here is the answer, her regular physicians office even with the simplest of matters act like the morons that they are and can never even answer the simplest of questions, and just refer me back to her specialist anyway. (Another stumbling block in this road is that i have to take her to where her insurance will accept.) And when trying to get her to see the specialist, since they are the best experts in our state for Autistic children the waiting list is usually several weeks/months long!
So here i sit, trying my best to get my baby back on the positive track, with all the love, support, encouragement, and understanding that i possess. I shower her with all that as much as humanly possible, and added with the many prayers that are made everyday on her behalf i sincerely hope that God puts his loving touch on the situation as soon as possible. So if you are reading this, and understand my situation, and have any suggestions as how to help smooth out this bump in the road please let me know. I just want the best for her and every other child on this earth. May God bless us all and cloak us in his protection and love from all of life's unpleasantness.
As some of you may know, my daughter is Autistic. Not so severe as many children in her situation are. She is actually on the rather mild side of the varying degrees of the scale. Which i cant even begin to tell you how happy i am that its not worse than it is. Thank you God! I really and truly have so much empathy for these children and their families. Things that we normally take for granted everyday are in some cases almost unattainable goals that these children work for and strive for everyday.
Why do I bring this topic up today? Well, my daughter who is one of the sweetest most loving children that i have even encountered has been having a rather drastic change of temperament lately. She has taken on the very unacceptable behavior of name calling, acting out in class and at home, and just plain bad attitudes. I and her teachers are at a loss of where this is coming from.
Now if you know me or read my blog from time to time, you know i am a very strong believer in Karma. So i wonder if this is Karma coming back to haunt me for some previous mean act that i have done. If so, tsk tsk Karma, you don't have to involve innocent children that already are striving to do their very best to overcome already extreme obstacles! But until fate or Karma or whatever decides that we've had enough and releases it sometimes hateful grasp i will continue to pray for the best, ask forgiveness for whatever prior trespass that has caused this new hurtle in life, and ride the wave of unpleasantness to the shore.
Anyway, i have contacted her specialist several times, and have yet to be contacted back by an actual human to maybe, just maybe get some helpful suggestions as to how to handle the situation until they can see her. (i did receive a letter of a next appointment, a month away). But with many messages left, and my telephone my ever present companion, i have yet to see that they have the smallest amount of common courtesy or concern for one of their patients well being to make a return call. I do understand that they are busy, being the best in their field in the state, but two weeks and numerous call have passed and still...nothing!
I'm absolutely positive though if the shoe were on the other foot and oh, lets say i refused to make a payment or something that they would most definitely be able to reach me to see when payment for services rendered are going to be made. If the all mighty dollar is in the picture, things usually have a way of working themselves out faster. The question that I've been asked is why i don't take her to another doctor. Well here is the answer, her regular physicians office even with the simplest of matters act like the morons that they are and can never even answer the simplest of questions, and just refer me back to her specialist anyway. (Another stumbling block in this road is that i have to take her to where her insurance will accept.) And when trying to get her to see the specialist, since they are the best experts in our state for Autistic children the waiting list is usually several weeks/months long!
So here i sit, trying my best to get my baby back on the positive track, with all the love, support, encouragement, and understanding that i possess. I shower her with all that as much as humanly possible, and added with the many prayers that are made everyday on her behalf i sincerely hope that God puts his loving touch on the situation as soon as possible. So if you are reading this, and understand my situation, and have any suggestions as how to help smooth out this bump in the road please let me know. I just want the best for her and every other child on this earth. May God bless us all and cloak us in his protection and love from all of life's unpleasantness.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Simple Life
While on my journey to find balance and peace in my life, i have learned that one of the most important and helpful strategies that helps me at least stay on this ever changing sew-saw is living a simply as possible. Not the same "simple" that many a person i know overwhelmingly accomplishes without even trying everyday (the simple minded). Another simple that is more an all encompassing simplicity. From the way i do things, the things i buy, how i dress, what i eat, and my general interactions with others.
I know that sounds horribly drab and boring, but sometimes drab and boring is peaceful and uncomplicated and very welcomed. There is so much chaos in the world, and in my life on the day to day that i crave peace and quiet like a skid row crack-head with a fresh panhandled $20. Sometimes i don't want a complicated slaved over meal, i just want a sandwich or a baby bell cheese & crackers. I don't want to put on actual clothes to go to Wal-Mart to get whatever bull i need to grab at that moment, i want to where my pajamas and not be looked at like a mad housewife on the loose or a just released mental patient. I dont want to socialize and pretend threw gritted teeth that i want to be there and am actually enjoying myself, I just want to sit in my darkened living room, with the t.v. off and nothing but the quiet to keep me company.
I know this makes certain individuals only further their beliefs that i am semi-hermit and even more anti-social but i just find that more often than not, I'm my own best company. Sorry if i offend anyone by saying that, to my true friends you know i love you, value your friendship, and enjoy the time we're together. But I have found peace is so much easier to attain when there is no one else around. Not that i surround myself with hectic people and chaos, i actually try my damnedest to identify those people and stay well clear of their presence.
I am more or less trying to say that there are people who have to have someone around, they have to be talking or texting or socializing in some aspect to be even in the tiniest bit happy. Its like they don't know what to do with themselves if there isn't someone there to help them think and make their decisions. I cant even breathe easily just at the thought of having my time consumed in such an outlandish manner. I just need a while out of the day to myself to reflect, organize thoughts, make my own decisions, and sometimes to just not think. In my attempts to not think and just be are often the times that i do my best thinking. Stuff just comes to me when i'm not being attack by outside noise and going-ons.
So on my mission to balance the see-saw of life these are my some of my strategies, not all successes, not all failures. But all worth a try and if nothing else, at least i can always say that, "i gave it a try." Now i'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking i need to go back and change my simplicity to being the simple minded kind...lol...but i love you anyway and hope that you too reach for and grab hold of whatever it is that is meaningful to you in life.
I know that sounds horribly drab and boring, but sometimes drab and boring is peaceful and uncomplicated and very welcomed. There is so much chaos in the world, and in my life on the day to day that i crave peace and quiet like a skid row crack-head with a fresh panhandled $20. Sometimes i don't want a complicated slaved over meal, i just want a sandwich or a baby bell cheese & crackers. I don't want to put on actual clothes to go to Wal-Mart to get whatever bull i need to grab at that moment, i want to where my pajamas and not be looked at like a mad housewife on the loose or a just released mental patient. I dont want to socialize and pretend threw gritted teeth that i want to be there and am actually enjoying myself, I just want to sit in my darkened living room, with the t.v. off and nothing but the quiet to keep me company.
I know this makes certain individuals only further their beliefs that i am semi-hermit and even more anti-social but i just find that more often than not, I'm my own best company. Sorry if i offend anyone by saying that, to my true friends you know i love you, value your friendship, and enjoy the time we're together. But I have found peace is so much easier to attain when there is no one else around. Not that i surround myself with hectic people and chaos, i actually try my damnedest to identify those people and stay well clear of their presence.
I am more or less trying to say that there are people who have to have someone around, they have to be talking or texting or socializing in some aspect to be even in the tiniest bit happy. Its like they don't know what to do with themselves if there isn't someone there to help them think and make their decisions. I cant even breathe easily just at the thought of having my time consumed in such an outlandish manner. I just need a while out of the day to myself to reflect, organize thoughts, make my own decisions, and sometimes to just not think. In my attempts to not think and just be are often the times that i do my best thinking. Stuff just comes to me when i'm not being attack by outside noise and going-ons.
So on my mission to balance the see-saw of life these are my some of my strategies, not all successes, not all failures. But all worth a try and if nothing else, at least i can always say that, "i gave it a try." Now i'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking i need to go back and change my simplicity to being the simple minded kind...lol...but i love you anyway and hope that you too reach for and grab hold of whatever it is that is meaningful to you in life.
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