I'm not too sure what to title this entry, but I just felt inspired to write so here I am. I just left from a visitation with my little brother in the county jail. Not the ideal use of my Sunday afternoon, but it's something I actually look forward to doing lately. Considering for the last two years I've had extremely limited contact with my brother due to his not so legal and wise endeavors and stupidly lavish use of various drugs. Not to mention is nearly fatal overdose that caused him to stop breathing and go into cardiac arrest! But sometimes God has to use extreme measures to get our attention and refocus them back to the path that He has intended for us.
What has got me thinking today was how to most people I'm sure they think I'm stupid for feeling so bad for him, because after all he did get himself into the situation. But I believe the issues that help provoke his behavior run more deep than things that are purely caused on his behalf. Addiction is a disease. A form of mental and physical illness that typically by most people whom have never been personally affected by it is often highly misunderstood. (A scapegoat for their illegal activities.) Depression is often and i'm pretty sure one of the major factors into addictive personalities. And depression is often caused by things that happened in a person's adolescence.
Therefore, by my homespun psychological input, and knowing my brother for his entire life and the situation into which/how we were brought up I know that he is suffering first and foremost from depression, which has caused him to develop an addictive personality as an attention seeking/coping mechanism, which in turn has gotten him into a lot of shit over the years and to where he is now residing under 24 supervision and without our precious freedom. That only naturally will cause any person to become even more unhappy with life and more depressed.
I just wish there was some sort of magic cure or something that would help my brother and so many others of have addictions. I guess that is just me being the dreamer that I am, but I pray that I never give up hope on him and that he never gives it up on himself. I try to put myself in his shoes, and when I do I realize how lonely of a road he has had to travel. I still see him as a kid. Just wanting to have a normal life, with parents that gave a fu*k about doing their parental job, and having hope that one day life just might be alright. I see he is a hurt little boy, just trying to erase the unpleasantness that has at times smudged the idealogical picture of life. But, in turn smearing it with the same ugly hues that were inherited from his ancestors.
I look back over the years at friends I have lost to their various flaws of addiction, and who are either dead or in prison/jail. People that I wish now I wouldn't have cared if I were going to piss them off by saying they maybe need to get help, or slow down on their use. I wish now that I had gotten clean sooner from the chemicals and toxins that I was polluting my body and mind with. Maybe I could have been stronger and helped them save themselves. But wishing on a star hasn't gotten me anywhere yet. I feel so guilty sometimes for not being able to help my brother stop, or for not being there for him when he is using. It's the same guilt I feel for walking away from a friend who was using and not being there to maybe talk him out of killing himself. I just hope that I have gotten to my brother in time.
He is and will always be my little brother, and though a lot of the time we fight like cats and dogs, I love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world. We didnt always grow up together and more often than not, on any given thing we don't agree or share even remotely the same opinion. But he has been there for me when I've needed someone, and I know that he is a good person in his heart, though his judgement and views are at times clouded with a drug haze. I have hope that with compassion, understanding, and love he can reclaim his better self, his relationship with God, and have a happy and healthy future.
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