Today isn't Mother's Day, but I'm writing this today because this is when I actually have the time to sit and do it...and that is limited. I just want to take a minute and share my feelings on a couple of women that have been in my life that have mattered the most and helped mold me into the person I am.
First off I want to say that the person who has meant and mattered the most to me in life, mother or not, out of anyone (besides my own children) is my dear little grandma "Totsie" who is somewhere around here in her now Heavenly spirit. I say somewhere around here because I feel her with me all the time. I'm not saying I have a 6th sense (but maybe so) or that I communicate with the afterlife, but I just know her spirit is around me and those who she loves. She was one little feisty protective woman on Earth, so I know she is still keeping her guard on us now.
She out of every adult figure in my life has been of the most significance. Ever since I can remember I was at what sometimes probably did seem like her shadow or conjoined twin. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And the one person on this Earth that I have ever completely and truly felt loved by. (Thats kinda sad to say, or rather type out loud...lol) That is honestly how i feel though. Not that I don't feel love in my life, I do. I just know in my heart that she loved me as much as one person can love another, unconditionally. She knew my flaws and still she was there.
There were times in life as I got to be a teenager and even into an adult that we would have our arguments, disagreements, and spats, but we always loved one another no matter what. And usually those moments were bought about because one didn't want to see the other get hurt, or used, or something to that nature and caused worry. She was my very best friend. I would tell her something and before she would have a response i knew what she was going to say...in her own little rowdy way that she was so good at.
She would never mind what others thought of her, if she was feeling something you better believe that she was going to let you know and let you know "Totsie Style". I guess she felt the same way I feel, God gives us free will so we better use it for what it was intended. She was a little firecracker of a woman. I only hope that I can be half the person that she was. I know I'll never forget her, or the pain that i feel now everyday not having her here in the flesh to talk to, laugh with, cry with, make jokes with, go to bingo with, or just know that I can pick up my phone and have her voice right there on the other end.
There are still days, almost 4 months since her passing that I'll think of something and go to pick my phone up to call her, only to be slapped back into reality at the cold lonely truth that she isn't here to take the call. I know where she is at that she know's I love her desperately and that she is missed dearly, not just by me but by many. I love you Grandma, always and forever!
Though Grandma has been the most important person in my life, she hasn't been the only one. There is my Aunt Hilda and my daughter Aaliyah among some of them. (Though my daughter isn't a mother yet, one day in the far term I hope that she knows what a blessing and honor it is to become one.) My aunt on the other hand has also been like a second mother to me. (Totsie being the first, because my birth mother was just that, a birth mother...the rest of it stopped there.)
My aunt has been in my memories about as long as I can remember. I remember long car rides when I was little, with Grandma of course, me riding shot gun beside her to see my aunt. Grandma would sit me on phone books so i could see over the dash board. (This was the late 80's so I guess child/car safety laws weren't what they are today...and if so Grandma probably would've let me have my way anyhow.) Haha.
I always loved going to my aunts. I usually got something in my spoiled brat fashion so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. Plus it got me with Grandma and out of my house with my brother and parents, which I was all to eager to flee from. As I got older and my parents even became much less worthy of that title, she was there more and more for me. But by that time I had pretty much been ruined with a bad attitude by lack of parenting that made me a pain to deal with. But she was still there, trying to straighten out what she could of me. There were times when her ideas and mine didn't mixe and felt about as well as rubbing salt & sand into an open wound.
But I love her and appreciate her more than she knows. (This is characteristic of me, I have a hard time letting other's know how much I love them. But I am trying to change that.) I am glad to say that as I've matured we get along much better. I know I would be far from the person I am today if it weren't for her. She made me care about other's and myself, from where at a point there wasn't anything that I really gave two cents about. So if she so happens to read this blog, maybe she'll know that yes, though I am bullheaded as hell and go against the grain of what she thinks is best at times, that I do love and appreciate her very very much and always will!
Now we come to my baby girl, one of my two pride and joys. (The other my son.) She is 6 years old and one of the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, usually the main reason because she stands there at the crack of dawn wanting her breakfast that has to be consumed immediately upon awakening. At least thats how she feels about it and has no problem letting you know. She actually has no problem letting anyone at any time know how she is feeling or what she is thinking. She reminds me so much of my Grandma at time that its scary. I call her "Little Totsie" when she is having one of her moments that remind me of Grandma.
She is spoiled and tries to be bossy. She has more luck with that with her father than me. She truly is a daddy's little girl, she completely has him and her pawpaw and grandma when she was here, wrapped tightly around her little finger. In that aspect she reminds me of me too in all my spoiled rotten glory. I try to give her the childhood and things I never had. I just hope that she goes on to be everything she dreams of. I know that I will love her unconditionally no matter what though, she is perfect to me as perfect can get. ( I feel the same about my son also, as to which I'm sure any proud loving parent feels about their child.)
There are other women and mother's who've been in my life and have made an influence on me in one way or another, but I have not the time at this moment to think them all and need to compose a list to do so as to not to leave anyone out...but these 2 women and 1 little woman have been the ones that have had the most influence to me. I want to thank everyone though, because I know that everyone who comes and goes or comes and stays in our lives, no matter the good or the bad, they were bought there for a reason. I just want to come into as many lives for the good as possible, and I hope I can do so for a long long time.
