Well here you go world, here is one of my more pitiful moments...i'm no stranger to them, or sharing them. I believe in being honest about your feelings. I am really missing my brother today. I'm not too sure why, i just woke up this morning really wanting him here so i can either pick or be picked at. Crazy, i know. But that is how we show our affection, by ball busting.
He is everything one can imagine in an annoying little brother, and i love him all the more for it. I think back to all the times when we were growing up and he embarrassed the hell out of me and wish he was here now so i can pay him back. Who am i kidding, he still embarrasses me now that we're adults. I remember when i was younger and would be on the phone and he would pick up the other line and eavesdrop or yell out stuff into the phone so i would have to hang up, go hunt him down, and beat the crap out of him.
All the times he would break into my room when i wasn't home, get on my computer and crash it with virus' from his internet porn viewing...then i would come home to find my room trashed with candy wrappers and spend hours cleaning it and the crap off my computer that he put on there! I probably shouldn't think back on that stuff with fond memories, but i do. Because the person he is today, is far from the person he once was. Yeah, he has always been a little shit head in my eyes, but he is my little shithead brother, and that is what little brothers are for.
The person he is today is one i don't really know anymore. The activities and things that he has been into for about the past five years had turned him into someone i hardly recognize, and for me that is really sad. I lost one of my best friends (partially) to drugs eight years ago, and oddly enough it was my brother that broke the news to me. That really messed me up for a long time and helped me spiral into a series of events that i'm still paying for to this day. I just do not want to lose my brother to the same bullshit that has taken away so many others.
I haven't seen him for several months right now because even though he is in the corrections system, he still cant seem to stay away from trouble. I guess i hold a lot of anger in me about him, he just cant seem to pull it together. I know he is his own person, and an adult one at that, but i don't hold him solely responsible. If our "excuses" had of been parents instead of what ever they were, and set better examples for us, i'm positive he would be in a far better situation. I just think God everyday that i did have other people there for me setting great examples.
Our parents were so bad at that job that i quite literally remember being a small kid thinking, "these idiots!" Almost any and everything that came from them was complete and utter BS! I am not even nearly exaggerating either. I used almost any reason i could to get away from them to either be with my grandma or my aunt. Without those two i'm sure i too would be up shits creek with out a paddle and a hole in my boat. The sad thing is, to this day they still can't grasp just how bad they were as parents. They still can not do what is right by their kids. Do you think they send him any money, HELL NO! Do you think they make appointments to see him? NOPE, they call me or my aunt or anyone who will pick up the jobs they should have been doing years ago.
I just wish there was some way i could get him out of the way of thinking that he picked up from our "excuses", and set foot on the right path in life. I'm not saying he needs to be perfect, that surely is unattainable by all, but i just want him to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and lead a virtuous life. i don't want to see him in and out of jail and prison, i don't want to get anymore predawn phone calls from my dad or someone crying that he is in the hospital again, overdosed and in cardiac arrest! i just want my little smart ass, wise cracking brother that i know is still in there somewhere back! I really don't think that is too much to ask...
So there you have it, my angry bitter bitch ranting for the day. I just have to vent sometimes, and this is my blog so i damn well feel free to do it on here. I hopefully will post something more lighthearted and not so bitchy soon, but its me, Uber Bitch so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes! LOL :P
