Well it's been a while since my last post. I have had a lot going on, many ideas, but just not enough time or energy to collect my thoughts long enough to sit and concentrate on writing, but hopefully that wont be the case for much longer. I guess I'm just pissed off right now and really need to vent, so here I am...
My last post was about my brother, and how I love him and all his misguided dealings that have lead him to be a jailbird. (I don't love the mishaps, just that was a topic in the post.) This one is pretty much again how much I love my brother and some more of his misguided happenings. I got some news yesterday from my paternal excuse (my dad) that has left me a little upset. My dad calls and is like "have you heard what your brother did today at the courthouse?"...well considering he is in jail and that he doesn't make the smartest choices in life my first thought was he tried to escape or something of the like. What happened in reality wasn't much better than my first thought.
"No dad, what did he do now?" was my first response. "He and (his girlfriend, who I will leave unnamed) got married" was my dad's reply. First shock and disbelief hit me...followed by nausea, a migraine and crying. Somehow or another this crackpot shame of a justice system we have let them get married while he is in jail. Something I think should not be allowed. Criminals are in jail as punishment, not to be tying the knot with their bad-influencing counterparts.
Now I know people are thinking I am harsh on him, and many other things, and probably that this is none of my business. But me being me, I cant sit here and say or feel nothing when I have been holding on to hope that he will come to some moment of enlightenment in there and he will change for the better upon his release. I pray everyday that he will see how bad she and other of his friends are for him and he will give up contact with them. (The eternal optimist that hides somewhere in me clings to this hope desperately.) But this news pretty much kicked that optimist in the groin and laughed in its face.
But none the less I make it my business. This is my little brother that I am talking about. My brother that I love dearly. That I pray for and hold onto hope for everyday that he is going to turn his life around, and become a successful person one day. This horrible news just pored salt into an already painful wound. I want desperately for my brother to have happiness and a family of his own one day. I think that would be great for him and maybe give him something to live for, wanna do right for. But I know that this girl is not going to help get him there.
For one I know he doesn't love her. I'm sure he has caring feelings for her, but love he does not. This is not an assumption, it is what he has told me and others on several occasions. Two, just a few weeks ago he was holding onto hope for reconciliation with an ex of his. So how does a person go to wanting to rekindle a past love to marring a totally different person out of the blue a few weeks later? Not my idea of romance.
Then there is the fact that she is a horrible influence on him. Not that he needs any influencing, but she doesn't help matters. It's kind of a 'blind leading the blind' situation. I don't want to sound like an over protective asshole. Like no one is good enough for my brother. That is not the case. He has had several exes that I liked very much and would much rather for things to have worked out with one of them than this girl. I just don't want my brother eventually getting out of jail and going right back to the situation, influences, and surroundings that got him to where he is now.
I just care too much. I don't want to see him on an ever present path of self destruction. I don't want him to lose his life to drugs and poor judgement. I want nothing but happiness and success for him. The sad truth is I know for a fact that there is going to be nothing but heartache in the end of this . I know I can't control his life. I know I can't make his decisions for him, that he has to make his own mistakes in life. God knows I have made enough of them myself, and I didn't listen to the people that tried to prevent me from such. But I can't just sit by and hold my tongue and watch this train wreck waiting to happen either.
None of us are perfect. I know I'm far from it, and I will continue to make mistakes and probably not always the wisest of choices. I also know that there are people that love me and want the best for me. People that no matter if its wanted or not, that they will give their opinions on things. That I probably should listen to them, but being a stubborn bullheaded person that I am, (I am a Pisces after all) that I will most likely make those mistakes and hopefully learn from them. The old parent to child saying "Do as I say, not as I do" is ringing in my head right now.
I just wish that for once he would do as I say and not as he wants to do or what I have done. I wasn't always the best influence on him either, and I do claim that. He used to be a pretty good kid. He was almost a completely different person than the one that he is now. I do have guilt there that I was a destructive influence as I once was, that I didn't play the best role model for him. I know that some of my faults and mishaps helped lead him astray. I guess my being the overprotective asshole I am now is my way of wanting to try and make up for that.
But here I sit, holding on to that hope that is struggling to break free. I got another call this morning from my dad that the courts told my brother that they are going to most likely tack more time on to his sentence for some other stuff that he did. I know this is going to make me sound like an even bigger bitch than is already thought by some, but maybe more time will prevent him from more destruction that will only happen if he is released sooner rather than later. That middle of the night phone call last February with my dad crying telling me that my brother has overdosed and gone into cardiac arrest was one of the least favorite things I've ever had to go through. Something I wouldn't wish anyone to have to endure. Something I don't want to have to go through again. Something I just hope can be prevented.
